1. |
Partner
03:08
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so let’s get married
but skip the wedding
i know it’s been a long month
but there’s a warmth in my guts
that says i’m not crazy,
maybe we just carried the weight
of bitter days
of misplaced frustrated energy
Two heart’s erratic high speed rhythm
Caffeinated, pumped perfectly in imperfection
i know you’re fucked in the head
i know the fucked up years that you spent
let’s live our time in medium days
let’s just be okay, partner
we’ll write down every hypothetical ending
drive up to the island. start a fire and burn them
your cats and your couch and your minimalist aesthetic
i’ll spend the rest of my life cluttering it up with all of my shit
let’s be okay today
cause we’re okay
let’s be happy
as happy as a couple overthinking drunks can be
you know i’m fucked in the head
you know the fucked up years that i spent
let’s live our time in medium days
let’s just be okay
cause when we’re gone
all that will be left
dead e cigarettes
nicotine gum packs
a thousand moments
and heated breaths
maybe will add up to something decent
let’s be okay
cause we’re
cause we’re okay
let’s be okay, partner
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2. |
Six or Seven
02:09
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|
some nights i end up on a different planet.
where i can see beauty in finite existence
where i don’t press next til the end of a playlist
and i can sit still for a while.
there are nights when i still end up in the Coulee
back where i washed my hands clean of hope in a dormitory
reading books, getting stoned on the back porch
to prove that i wasn’t a child
that child.
six or seven.
having reoccurring nightmares
of dying and going to heaven.
where i’d be forever and everything’s perfect
where happiness lasted but i had detected
inherent flaws in some of the aspects
like where is the joy without all the sadness?
and i was frightened by the endlessness
John used to call me up and I’d pace the length of my parent’s backyard.
I’d ramble to him for an hour. He’d tell me someday I’d be okay, maybe i’d move on.
I moved out of the city and stopped answering his calls.
And again, I was that same little boy I had been.
Scared to death. still stuck, staring at the wall
It took me so many years to accept that
I could be okay, that John was correct.
He probably died, maybe he went to heaven
and i just wish i had one more chance to thank him
and i’m still frightened by the endlessness
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3. |
Garden Bed
03:20
|
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|
the two by fours were placed
and i listened to davey sing about his one horse town
i felt every word. i felt the weight of dirt
as they shoveled new soil on my lawn
the garden bed. the volunteers put in
raised off the ground. i signed up to pretend
i was better. i was cleaner.
i would make this city greener
but you had postcards from all the places
you would go. so very far from here.
the summer came and went
and i listened to craig sing about kids in love
i felt every word. that i was still a kid
who left for higher ground when i’d finally get enough
closing shift. you were probably at Fink’s
it occurred to me
or maybe the Newport or at Boone
for the first time that year i didn’t have to meet you there
i drove straight home. a silent thank you to the moon
that i could love and i could lose
and not come totally unglued
I could love and I could lose you
the dirt soaked in the sun
and i listened to jason sing about his sins.
i felt every word like i had written them
but this wouldn’t take me like it had taken him.
it used to keep me from sleep
and i could barely eat
now it just tugs on my arm from time to time
but I’m still alive. for just once in my life
i could that fuckin fact be enough
and I’m still alive. and I’m alright
and i’ll plant the garden. not wait for the other shoe to drop
and reap what i sow and grow
reap what i sow and grow
|
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4. |
Wanderlag
03:32
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i got those airport blues
at pearson. in san francisco.
at heathrow too.
i want to feel the clean wash of drunk.
feel anything but stuck
or be with you
i don’t wanna wander anymore
alone.
when i couldn’t get high
i’d get high off the escape
ditch the broken.
build a story
destroy and fabricate.
i walked around brooklyn
late summer. brash with busy veins.
and i smiled. but it was empty,
a grin that burdened its own face
maybe drifting’s not uplifting
when your roots get dry outside of midwestern soil
still i ran from the snow
to the gulf of mexico
praying for visions. any connection.
outside my bones
and as the waves washed up on the shore
i knew i could swim to each end of the world
and always end up all alone.
i think i’ll be fine at home
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5. |
Nicotine
03:36
|
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|
we were alternate universe lovers
you and me
gnawing at the bone and full
fucked and found, respectively
i had it in my head that you could sort my thoughts
and i could give you some relief
but we just cancelled plans
worked some shifts and shared some nicotine
talked some shit and shared some nicotine
playing tag in a minefield
everyone is falling around here
and when it clicks i aim for selfless
but i keep making this all about me
it’s not about me
when i woke i read the text maggie had sent
went online to draw conclusions
and maggie filled me in on all the rest.
and it made so much sense
but the past tense couldn’t sink in
so i turned over and kept on sleeping
i’ll keep on sleeping
playing tag in a minefield
everyone is falling around here
when it hits i aim for selfless
but i keep making this all about me
and i can’t help but still
fantasize sometimes about drinking myself to death
the only ending
and i’ve got friends who get faded
until they disappear
cause there’s no credit roll
there’s no resolution
and i’m not sure there’ll ever be
but it’s not about me. it’s not about me
|
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